Family harmonie

“This divine beauty of heaven and earth! The whole of creation, members of One Family.”

Ueshiba Morihei, founder of Aikido

Family is generally understood as father, mother, child(ren). But we would like to explore the concept of ‘family’ more deeply and transcend it. Aren’t man and woman together already potentially family? No, probably not, because according to the law of manifestation there needs to be a third person. But does “the blood have to mingle” and a child have to be there first? Or is a common pet or a common ‘project’ enough?

For us, these questions don’t really arise because we are blessed with three children and are therefore clearly visibly a family. But it is not that simple. Does everyone feel like a member of a family? It is enough if a person is in the menopause, be it the first (puberty) or the second (“midlife crisis”) – and the answer becomes difficult.

What is family?

The seventh of the mystical virtues gives us a hint when it says “…. show absolute loyalty to your own. …”. Is there a cohesion, a sense of unity, or does convenient habit and mere genetic (blood) kinship prevail? Consider who are really “my own”. There is freedom in that, but also a lot of work: Always questioning, deciding and showing it, living it.

Everything changes, always. The children will leave home one day and find new ‘owns’. And when husband and wife have fallen into the trap of ‘only daddy and only mommy’ roles, the relationship is over. Most families go through the first (“children”) and second (“parent”) menopause at the same time. There is a lot of potential energy involved. Usually with a centrifugal tendency. It is also natural that things develop apart. That is, when one level has been fulfilled.

Togetherness

So how, as a human being, quasi human, to come together, to stay together or to go apart? The first of the mystical virtues gives us a valuable hint: “All things are connected. Be courteous, for courtesy gives grace and brings the dominion of the Unifying Spirit to visible expression.” Always meet each other with courtesy! In this way one is well protected from confusion between ‘familiarity’ and ‘commitment’.

Familiarity for us means encroachment, that is, damaging the integrity of the other. Especially in long-term relationships, people know each other very well, especially the weak points, shortcomings and ‘transgressions’ of the partner/child. Talking about these openly, usually in derogatory language and possibly even in front of third parties, can be very hurtful. Emotional injuries and ‘scars on the soul’ develop over time. Inward distancing is the natural reaction.

Commitment, on the other hand, shows the other person continued goodwill and expresses itself through polite language. Aikido, the art of peace, teaches us that this is possible even in conflict-laden situations. Especially in the early stages, there is no escalation on all levels yet. If one takes the trouble to first determine on which level the conflict or problem exists and to address it there, the other levels remain to stay in touch. This also shows that not everything between the partners is affected.

As adults we have at least three levels at our disposal, the physical, the emotional and the mental. So if there is a factual (mind) problem, one can keep the connection on the emotional level at the same time, with all the criticism. With (small) children, it is advisable to express the connection on the physical level, because until puberty, the body is the primary medium of experience. What is always astonishing is that the content of the criticism is much better received and more likely to be accepted. The ‘AIKI method’ is very effective. We then have to learn to be much more careful in our verbal and physical expression. A problem is then literally recognised as relative.